


Mea Culpa

by Wix



Series: Henry E. J. Stark [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Aftermath, Both Teams, Civil War Team Iron Man, Gen, M/M, Magic, Mistakes, Parent Steve Rogers, Parent Tony Stark, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), The Avengers Are Good Bros, lots of mistakes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-12
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-02-14 00:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12996327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wix/pseuds/Wix
Summary: In the aftermath of what's happened, they're all a little broken.





	Mea Culpa

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what it is about this universe, but here's another installment for you guys! Hope you enjoy it!
> 
> This one is dedicated to [AriRomanoff](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriRomanoff)  
> Thanks for all the questions and conversations and all the kind words of encouragement!

There comes a soft knock on the door a few hours after their return to the hotel and Steve doesn’t turn around, or do anything to acknowledge whoever is at the door.

“ _Steve?_ ” Natasha’s voice comes through the wood and he figures he’s not surprised that it’s her. It was always going to be either her or Sam if they stuck around and didn’t just get up and leave him in the wreckage of what he’s done. “ _Steve can I come in?_ ” She says again and when she doesn’t get a response she seems to feel that’s permission to enter because seconds later Steve hears the latch click and the door opens, bringing with it light from the hallway. “Steve?” She tries again and Steve doesn’t turn to her.

“I just want to be left alone right now.” He tells her. “If you don’t mind.” He’s trying to be polite, but his tone comes out all wrong. It sounds hollow and tired and _defeated_. Natasha sighs softly, clicking on the light before she opts to ignore his statement entirely and comes over to the bed, walking around it and sitting down next to him. She doesn’t say anything at first, just seemingly content with being a silent presence and Steve’s a little grateful for it.

His mind is still jumbled, still trying to sort out the memories from the aftermath of Loki’s spell. He’s been trying to reflect on the world that never was and he feels a pain in his chest as a tear runs down his face. “God what have I done?” He whispers more to himself than to her and she reaches over and places her hand on his, squeezing it in an attempt at comfort.

+++

The man in the mirror is both familiar and not. The steam from the shower is starting to clear away and Tony feels strangely fascinated with his own broken reflection.

There are so many questions running through his head on constant repeat: What is he supposed to do now? With all of these memories, with months and months of experiences that feel just as real to him now as if they had actually happened in this world and not in the Dreamscape? What’s he supposed to do with the ‘what if’ that he’s now trapped with the knowledge of? What’s he supposed to do knowing how he felt?

Because the feelings _feel_ real.

Everything that happened still feels real.

And the rage, the twisting feeling of betrayal that’s come in the aftermath feels real too.

It feels so much worse than how he felt in Siberia, standing next to Steve and learning of his first transgression against him…it feels so much worse.

“ _Tony?_ ” Rhodey knocks again on the door after giving him a few minutes of reprieve and he takes a shaky breath, turning on the water and splashing some of it on his face. He needs to get out there. He needs to face the world. The real world, not that sick mockery of what could have been.

“I’m coming.” Tony says, drying off real fast and walking to the door. He puts his hand on the handle and takes a deep breath.

He can do this. He’s done it before.

He knows what it’s like to have those he let in past the walls rip his heart out. Funny, he’d have thought he’d build up a kind of immunity to the pain.

…He hasn’t.

+++

They’ve been sitting there for a while when Steve hears the others shuffle to the open door. It’s a lot more cautious than he feels he deserves right now. Shouldn’t they be yelling? Screaming at him? Horrified and dismayed with what he’s done?

“I brought you some water.” Wanda says softly as she comes around, followed by Clint and Sam. She holds it out for him and he reaches out and takes it with a shaky smile. He doesn’t take a drink, but it is nice to have something in his hands.

“Are you okay?” Sam asks a few moments later and Steve lets out a huffed laugh. Does he look okay? Does anything about this seem okay?

“No…I’m not.” He admits and he half expects them to leave, but they don’t. They take seats around the area.

“Steve…Cap…” Clint starts, and his voice is oddly gentle in a way that Steve doesn’t feel he deserves. “What happened? Why would you make a deal with _Loki_?” The way he says the magic user’s name is like a curse and Steve shrugs a little.

“I didn’t know it was him at first.” Steve admits. “I thought it was you actually.”

“Me?” Clint repeats and Steve nods.

“Yeah, he was…I guess disguised as you? And we were just talking. That was it at first, just talking.” Steve recalls. “And I must have mentioned something about wanting a redo, or something like it because he offered to grant my wish.” Steve shakes his head. “I don’t know why I even trusted him, but I wanted the opportunity so badly and I thought…” Steve cuts off.

“So he tricked you?” Clint says. “Don’t feel bad about that, it’s what he does. The Trickster.”

“I tricked me.” Steve says in response to that. “I wasn’t thinking and I should have known better. I did this, I tricked me. Loki just gave me the opportunity to do it.”

+++

“Everything looks fine.” Helen says, showing the scans she’s made of Henry during the time in the coma and in the moments after waking when Tony hadn’t been ready to face anything yet.

“So no brain damage? No…I don’t know, side effects?” He clarifies and Helen shakes her head.

“No, it doesn’t look like it. I would say that cognitively he’s a little more advanced than what his body is ready to match him at, so he might manage certain milestones sooner than what the world might think he should be ready for, but other than that, he’s fine.” Her words ease a weight on Tony’s heart and he lets out a shaky breath.

“He’s fine?” He repeats one more time, just for safety’s sake and she nods.

“He’s fine. A little tired, but fine.” She looks down at her scans, awkwardly for a moment before she glances back up. “And you? How are you feeling?” She asks and there’s genuine concern in her eyes and Tony opens his mouth up to say something along the lines of ‘peachy’ or ‘just great’…but his voice dies in his throat. It takes him a second to clear it and he shrugs.

“I’ll…adjust. It’s a lot…to deal with right now and I…I don’t think I’m ready to deal with it.” He admits and she nods, and he can’t help but see the looks that Rhodey, Pepper and Vision are giving him in the background. He knows he’s going to have to tell them, he’s going to have to come clean about what happened, but he’s just not ready yet. “I wouldn’t be opposed to some work.” He says and Pepper nods, stepping forward with a tablet.

“I can fill that request. We’ve managed to keep most of the panic down, but as per usual there are some things you’ll need to handle when you’ve got a second.”

“I’ve got thousands of seconds.” Tony says and she looks up at him with a serious look on her face.

“I’m only going to give you the first half…because I know how you need time to process and how you have to be busy when you do…but don’t think we’re just going to stand back and let you hide from us.” She reaches out and puts a hand on his arm. “We’re here for you Tony.”

“Thank you Miss Potts.” He says and he’s fighting back tears when he says it. She gives him a small smile.

“Anytime Mr. Stark.”

+++

“You didn’t know.” Wanda tries to console him. “You thought it was real, just like the rest of us.”

“No.” Steve says, shaking his head. He won’t let them let him off the hook so easily. “No, I knew. I was the only one who knew it wasn’t real. That it was just some sick perversion of reality…I just…I decided to stick my head in the sand and pretend that everything was okay.”

“If you thought it was a new reality, then the choices you made weren’t malicious. Stark has to know that.” Clint tries and Steve lets out a weak chuckle.

“Somehow I don’t feel like that changes anything.” Steve looks at the water in his hands. “Me and my choices…I never seem to mean them to be ‘malicious’ but they keep ending up that way.”

“Why…why didn’t you say anything? To one of us at least?” Sam asks and Steve shrugs.

“I didn’t want to jinx us. I didn’t want to pull up past mistakes and make them an issue again. I just wanted to make what I thought was a second chance a better chance then what we got.” Steve pauses for a moment. “…and I guess I still wanted to hide…to not have to deal with it.” He laughs lightly. “I guess I never learn, do I? I just wanted us to be better…and god we needed to be better.”

“What do you mean?” Clint asks and Steve looks at them.

“We were terrible, do you realize that? We were horrible to him. God, _I_ hated us after a while.”

“We weren’t that bad Cap.” Clint tries to argue and Steve shakes his head.

“No, we were all that and worse. And when I saw a chance to fix it, I just jumped at it. I didn’t stop to think that maybe I was going about it the wrong way….I’m always going about it the wrong way. I just…I wanted to be the friend that he deserved when I hadn’t managed to be that here.”

“It was an honest mistake.” Nat tells him and he glances at her.

“What does it matter if it was ‘honest’? A mistake is a mistake regardless.” He tells her and she gets a small frown on her face like she doesn’t like the truth in his words. “Maybe…maybe it’s time for me to step down.”

+++

He’s been working all day, and he’s feeling a little more solid in his own skin again by the time Rhodey approaches him in the lab. He’s working on the car again, like he always does when he’s got a problem that he can’t seem to fix and Rhodey just grabs another stool and slides in next to him, waiting for Tony to show him where he needs an extra set of hands and Tony points to it.

They work in silence for a while, taking the car apart, and looking at the potential crazy upgrades that Tony’s got in mind this time around. It’ll never run, not with half of these conflicting plans but that’s never really been the point of this whole exercise.

“I pinpointed where, or when it changed.” Tony says, reaching into the innards of the car and trying to loosen a bolt. “I mean, I can guess.”

“Oh?”

“There was a day, just a simple day and it was such a simple thing, but I remember when Rogers spoke back to Barton for the first time.” Tony replies. “He defended me and I remember thinking that it was so strange…and I think that’s probably when it all started.” Tony pulls out the bolt and starts in on the next one. He doesn’t look at Rhodey during this confession because he’s not sure that he won’t choke up and stop talking if he does. “He started hanging around more and more often, and he was _listening_ to me and I thought…I thought that I must have finally figured it out, that I finally cracked the code to the Avengers because finally someone was paying attention to the fact that I cared, that I was doing everything physically possible to make it work…and they were finally respecting what I was bringing to the table.” Tony chuckles a little to himself, god what a fool he had been. “It started out so little…and just…built.” He cuts off and Rhodey comes in, helping him loosen it up and he’s grateful for the silence while he gets his words about him. “We…I mean, I guess it’s not surprising when you really think about it.” He can’t say it. He wants to, he wants to give voice to this pain in his heart, but he can’t.

“No, it’s really not. People have gotten together with much less.” Rhodey says gently and Tony’s so grateful that Rhodey’s always been good at reading between the lines and knowing when to step in.

“It…god it wasn’t bad Rhodey.” Tony admits and he hates himself for admitting it. “It was…it was good.” Tony feels wrong admitting that, like something is wrong with him for even thinking that it could have been anything less than the absolute betrayal that it was.

“I’m sure it was.” Rhodey says, cutting off his internal ranting. “And there was nothing wrong with that. You thought it was real, you thought it was how it was.”

“But it was a lie.”

“You know that now, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t able to remember what you felt during it. Or that what you felt was wrong, or somehow makes you responsible for something. This is all on Rogers, not you.”

“…then why do I feel like it’s on both of us?” Tony asks and Rhodey reaches out and puts a hand on Tony’s shoulder.

“Tones. You had no idea what was going on and you responded to a situation as it happened. You’re not at fault for what happened between you two. Rogers, I can’t even begin to think what was going through his head, but he was the only one who could see the full deck of cards. Don’t blame yourself for playing the only ones you had.”

“But I remembered Rhodey…I remembered what it was like to love him.” Tony admits quietly. “And now, now it’s worse…because now I know what it’s like to have him love me back…I know what it felt like to have that.”

+++

“No!” There are several impassioned pleas from all around him and Steve is slightly grateful for it, but in the same moment he feels like it’s not something he’s deserving of.

“Steve, now isn’t the time to bow out.” Natasha tells him and he sighs.

“And when is it time? How much do I have to destroy before it’s time to back up and just step down?”

“If Stark doesn’t stop when he’s made mistakes, why should you?” Wanda asks and Steve gives her a tired look.

“We’re not talking about Tony’s mistakes, his mistakes have no bearing on this conversation. Just because he messes up doesn’t somehow give the rest of us a free pass.” He tells her.

“No, Nat’s right.” Clint speaks up. “Now isn’t the time to give up. You’ve fucked up, you’ve _royally_ fucked up, but running away with your tail between your legs isn’t going to fix it, and it sure as hell isn’t going to make it better.”

“I don’t even know how to make it better, and I’m starting to think that I can’t fix anything.”

“Stop thinking like that.” Sam cuts in. “Stop this pity party you’re having. If you really feel bad about what you’ve done then stop, take stock of the mistakes and correct them. This is bigger than just you and Tony, this is all of us. This is the whole world. It needs us, it needs what we can do.” Sam tells him and Steve feels a little sick to his stomach. “Don’t ‘fix it’ if you feel like it can’t be fixed. Throw out the rule book and try a new way, try again.” Sam tells him and they all nod with Sam statement.

+++

Henry’s sleeping in his bed again, and Tony’s looking down at him resting peacefully. He wonders if Henry’s wondering where Steve is, wondering where his other father went. Steve had been such a solid and constant presence in Henry’s life for a few months now as far as the child was concerned and Tony doesn’t know how this is going to affect him.

He doesn’t know how any of this is going to affect them.

“FRIDAY.” Tony says quietly, “…let Rogers know that Henry’s fine. That as far as Doctor Cho can tell, he’s okay.”

 ** _‘Sending Boss.’_** FRIDAY says and Tony sighs.

Why did making things more complicated seem to be Steve’s superpower?

 ** _‘Should I accept responses at this time?’_** She asks a moment later and Tony shakes his head.

“No, that’s the only kindness I’ll give him. I’m not opening a line of communication, I just felt like he ought to know that our son is healthy for all intents and purposes.”

**_‘Sure thing Boss.’_ **

Tony reaches out and adjusts the blankets on Henry before stepping back and sitting down in the chair nearby. It feels the same as all those other times and he’s secretly expecting Steve to walk through that door, but he knows that isn’t how this story is going to play out.

That world was a dream. This is the reality.

In this world, there is no Steve and Tony.

And there never will be.

+++

He’s looking at all of the unfinished paperwork and chaos that was left behind after Loki’s spell. The others have left him and have probably gone to sleep at this point, but sleep isn’t going to be coming to Steve anytime soon.

He glances down at the ATF and all of the pieces that are there, but aren’t ready to be put together in the puzzle yet.

He takes a seat at the desk and pulls them towards him. He remembers everything that the both of them did for the Avengers back in the Never-Was-World. He remembers where to start and what to be prepared for.

The computer lights up with a new email and Steve frowns, moving the cursor to see what it was and he lets out a brief breath of relief when he reads the verdict on Henry’s condition.

…he notices that it doesn’t say anything about Tony’s.

He types in a brief message of ‘thank you’ and he’s not surprised when it tells him that the email has come back ‘unable to send’. He can’t help the small glance he sends at the picture on his desk and he nods to himself.

He’ll do better. He’ll do everything he can to be better, to be the kind of man that he should have been all along.

The kind of man that Tony used to think he could be.

The kind of man that for a short while, Tony thought he was.

He rolls his shoulders and gets to work. There’s a lot of work to be done after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Please feel free to leave a review, as per usual I ask that the reviews not be negative or critiquing. I do this for free guys. And please do not comment on pairing choices.  
> And as a second note on that: Please be respectful of each other as well! Please no reviews antagonizing another reviewer for their views/comments/ideas.  
> Thank you.


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